Keeping Dads Away from Their Babies
Glenn Sacks
The Boston Globe recently discussed Fathers & Families' shared parenting bill at great length in their editorial A fair role for fathers. While the Globe did not endorse the bill, the editorial essentially agrees with the main arguments behind shared parenting--to learn more, click here.
I don't know if anybody else caught it or thought of it, but I thought this paragraph from the Boston Globe editorial was particularly annoying. The Globe wrote:
"Charles Kindregan, a law professor at Suffolk University, soundly argues that a presumption of joint legal and physical custody could handcuff judges who should be free to consider the best interests of children on a case-by-case basis. 'You don't need a presumption when you have facts,' Kindregan says. The relevant facts include children's age, temperament, emotional development, and medical needs, as well as how parents get along and how far apart parents live from each other. A judge looking at an infant will have to make very different decisions than a judge looking at a teenage boy."
In case anybody missed it, what he said is code for "Dad can see the infant maybe an hour or two a week if he's lucky, and if mom allows it. However, we may be more solicitous of dad's time when his boy is a teenager. Of course, by then the boy will already be damaged from growing up without a father, but it's okay for dad to spend real time with the boy, as long as mom is not unhappy about it, and as long as they still live within 1,000 miles of each other."
The most irritating part of this is the presumption that an infant needs only its mother, not its father. From time to time I get letters from mothers of infant children who are outraged that the fathers want to see the children and — gasp — want to spend some time with the infants in their own homes.
I have been the primary caregiver for my daughter, now almost 10 years old, from the time she was six weeks old. Those first few years home all alone with her, before she went to preschool, were the greatest years of my life. She and I shared everything together, and we were as happy and close as any two people could ever be.
The only downside to it was that I worked in the evenings and my little girl would cry herself to sleep every night because she missed me and I was not there. I still believe that one reason my daughter and I are so close are those special years we had together.
The Globe editorial and the expert it quotes are wrong--there is absolutely no reason why a father should be kept away from his baby or toddler, even if mom and dad are separated.
[Note: If you or someone you love is faced with a divorce or needs help with child custody, child support, false accusations, Parental Alienation, or other family law or criminal law matters, ask Glenn for help by clicking here.]
The presumption that fathers should have equal standing before the law ties the hands of the judge.
More broadly, "Best for the child" is itself code. Statistics indicate that judges, social services and others generally believe it means "raised by the mother"... even when the mother murdered the father.
While I agree with your position generally, that fathers should have equal rights with mothers, I also see that this particular statement is a little ... agressive. OF COURSE there are reasons that a father (or a mother) should be kept away from a baby or toddler!
For example, my best friend (a mother) is involved in an ugly custody battle over a baby. The father tried to kill her and the baby. Twice. HOWEVER, even after pleading guilty, he only recieved 52 weeks of domestice-abuse counseling followed by two years of probabtion, after which his record will be expunged! (Meaning it can't be used in future custody battles)
That freak got supervised visitation for eight weeks. Then? Then we just hope that his "episodes" don't occur when he happens to have the baby.
So, yes. There are DEFINITELY reasons that a parent (be it father OR mother) should be kept away from a child.
Of course we all lose our tempers now and then. Dean freely admits to being imperfect in this regard, which is why regulars to this establishment will generally be cut more slack than people who we don't know very well.
Still: behave like an adult, or go find somewhere else to play. Thanks.