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I'm sure everyone here will do all they can do support them both.
Dean, I'll be keeping you and Rosemary and the kids in my prayers. If I can be of any further help, you know how to reach me backchannel.
Look, I'm real sorry about that, man.
You are in my thoughts.
Josh
all the best, of course. do keep us updated and let us know when and how we can help.
wish for nothing but the best for the two of you and you are in everyone's thoughts and prayers
I know nothing about the situation of course, but feel obligated to share an observation about other couples I know: They took a 'vacation' from each other for a while, then tried to work things out, and were able to do so.
Yes. That deserves emphasis.
I don't really know you or what is going on. Don't know the causes. I can offer you this though.
About a year ago the wife and I nearly split, about Christmas last actually.
We worked it out but it took a lot of courage on both our parts and now, sitting here a year later, many of the things that seemed so dammed important were really not all that important at all, they were kinda juvenile, but they seemed more important at that time than they really were. But if they seem important to you at the time then they probably are, and so it is best to attack them head on if you can. Later you might look back on them and realize that the idea of your problems is actually a greater hindrance to a solution than the problem itself, and once you get over the idea that your problems are bigger than you are, solutions start to evolve.
First you gotta get over the idea that your problems are bigger than you and that fighting about the problems are the way to reach a solution. Sometimes if you just give up fighting and say, "Oh hell, you're this way and I'm that way, and that's the way it is, so why not let that be the way it is," then the fighting dissolves and you just accept that you're different people with different ways of doing and looking at things and there you go, it starts working again. But that ain't easy cause you really gotta ease up and relax and stop considering your differences important (as long as either of you are not really involved in doing something bad or sinful, then differences are just the way it is, if it is something bad, then repentance works). But it's like athletics, the more tense and agitated you are the poorer your performance and then the poorer you perform in general, and things go consistently down from there. If this makes sense to ya what I'm saying is, relax. The more relaxed and easy going you are with her, and vice versa, then the more likely the serious problems can be efficiently resolved, the more tense and agitated and the more resentful, the less likely either of you will resolve anything.
So I'd say, relax, let God do what God can, you do what you can, don't take everything so seriously (like in it is all doomed - and giver her a little time to relax as well). If I read you both rightly then you both tend to be very serious people, and that tends to make serious problems more serious, and even small things overly serious.
However, on a side note, I understand exactly how you feel about saying you feel like you want to die. I didn't literally feel like I wanted to die but everytime my wife came around I felt like I was being punched in the guts, didn't sleep much, all out mutual accomplishments seemed endangered, there seemed little hope. I never really get depressed but I sure did want to vomit a lot, it seemed kinda hopeless. So I empathize. But you gotta get over that. You gotta relax some because all of that tension and hopelessness makes a solution less likely, not more. Fun will make a solution more likely too. It seems counterintuitive, but fun is more likely to reveal a real solution acceptable to you both than seriousness. You have to approach your problems sincerely and soberly, of course, but you don't have to approach them as so serious that they are insurmountable. What I'm saying is that problems aren't their own solutions. The solution to a problem is often the opposite of the problem. You won't find the solution to problems of human relations within the problem itself, because relationship problems are behavioral and emotional, they will usually be found in doing the opposite of what causes the problem. Emotions are not good guides for problem solving. Bad Feeling + Bad Feeling does not = Solution to bad feeling. So if you got bad feelings and problems, then do the opposite.
No couple could survive constant problems, there have to be times of real enjoyment and fun and happiness. And there should be more joy than resentment.
Pursue that, and some mutual goals, instead of your problems, and see if that doesn't help ya. A lot.
Anyways I know how you feel. Inside. It ain't easy. But remember that the way you feel is not reality, it is just your reality for the moment. It can be changed.
So I'll be praying that you and she can relax a little and have some fun, and dwell more on happiness than doom. Get down on your knees and pray for an opportunity to have some fun together and for an opportunity for you two to forgive each other and have some joy. Neither one of you were made to brood on problems all of the time, and a little fun and forgiveness will go a long way.
But a lot of that will be up to you two as well.
Godspeed.
The same advice I've been giving you for four days: stop what you're doing. Get your feet under you again. Until you decide to take control you'll remain right where you are, and that's a really sh*tty place to be.
You can overcome this. I know you can.
Very sorry to hear about this; I hope you pull through well.
You're in my prayers.
It feels like someone close to you has died, and it hurts, and you feel ashamed, and you desperately want to set the clock back and you know you can't.
Dean, you have some wonderful friends here on this list who will be honored should you reach out for a shoulder to lean on. Many of them have been wounded in the same way and have made it back to sanity and peace. Call one of them. Call ALL of them.
I'm mostly a stranger to you, and it probably means little to hear it from me, but I know how awful you feel. Be strong. There are worse things that can happen, and despite it all there is still much to be thankful for.
I wish there were better words, friend.
Linda
you have a tough road ahead. I second John E.. and Ali E. I am here on chat anytime you need me.
Listen to your friends here. They all support you and love you. Heck, I support you and love you. Yes, MY SISTER left you and it sucks. Everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes we absolutely HATE that it happened. But how we deal with it in the future is what matters. This isn't an episode of Heroes. You can't change the past. Jake &Drake need you. Be there for them. Start today.
Jerry
No matter what happens...the pain WILL end.
Life will never be the same, but it will get better even if you can't imagine that right now.
Focus. Get healthy.
I just spoke with Rose.
She has seen this post and will be post a response on her own blog later. She can't right now as she is too busy caring for her children and trying to secure a job.
Other than a few mumbled expletives I'm speechless.
I hope you will get through this with not too much harm done to the children. You and Rosemary are adults and responsible for your own lives, but those children are at the mercy of you both. Stay respectful with each other and extremely loving to the boys. Joyfulness may again enter your lives.
My best to you all.
I wish I had the words to make you feel better, but I will be keeping a good thought for you and your children.
I hope everything works out for the best.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Please don't give up. The Esmay family will stay in my prayers.
**Huggs** to you all.
I sincerely hope that you two are able to resolve this issue, ending up with a stronger relationship going forward than that which has persisted until now.
I am currently dealing with a couple
going through a similar ordeal.
One thing is for sure: it often makes very little
sense to reunite unless areas for change by both parties are identified, both parties are willing to work toward making those changes, and there
is at least one competent and trusted outsider
knowledgeable, moral, and objective enough tp advise and referee until the situation really turns for the better. Needless to say, that outsider should have as his-and in my opinion his-
sole goal the healthy unification of the couple.
I also recall that you both are undergoing unusual financial strain. You must be aware that such strain often creates forces that bring about strain on the unity of the pair.
To tell you the truth, from the moment I read on one of your sites that the two of you had a "dream night" night deal, I was a bit worried.
Lastly, in my opinion, and I believe, but am not sure, that it is the Torah view as well, if there
was any infidelity on the part of fairer sex, the relationship, indeed, has been brought to an end.
I don't believe in prayer ;) but all my best and most positive thoughts are aimed at you and your family.
You're lucky to have such a support group. Think of the isolated men and women who have no one. You, my friend, are not an island. So take that as some consolation.
I'm very sorry for you pain. I hope it passes quickly.
Clare
Peace.
sense to reunite unless areas for change by both parties are identified, both parties are willing to work toward making those changes,
wise words, naftali.
Hugs.
Nearly a year after being dumped - it still SUCKS!
You have my deepest sympathies.
Mike
Can't un-open Pandora's Box. Stuff that should have stayed private wasn't kept so. Best thing people can do now is offer support. Deleting this thread only removes a line of communication that may offer a kind word or suggestion that may need to be heard just now.
I will hope for the best for all of you.
Couldn't have happened, regardless. This blog is the virtual "street corner" for a lot of people, people who know Dean and Rosemary. They would inevitably ask about the couple, and thus cause unintended pain. I know I did already, unintentionally rubbing salt in Dean's wound. Very likely Rosemary has already experienced the same. Plus their attitudes were visibly changing, so people were already speculating.
Dean and Rosemary have properly kept details of the split private. Some people who know them more closely may know some of the details; but the rest of us don't have any damn business knowing. But the split itself had to come out. It was going to come out sooner or later, and was going to hurt when it did. Dean's just-the-facts statement and his refusal to participate in the thread beyond that was probably the least painful way possible. Rosemary's dignified confirmation was just enough to let people know she's coping, and the subject is closed. I can't imagine either of them could've announced this with any less pain.
And beyond that, all I can say is:
I still think that's the wisest thing that has been said all thread.
Dean -- Once upon a time, a long time ago, you called me to chat voice-to-voice. Just the one time. For a few minutes. I was barely coherent, practically speechless. What you never knew is that I was under so much stress, coming to a head right that very minute, that I was having difficulty breathing (chest pains, the whole nine yards). And hearing your voice, which sounded absolutely nothing like I thought it would incidentially, really really helped me at a really really horrible time. It was nice to hear somebody friendly, with no adgenda talk about nothing in particular.
I know you don't really know me, and its been a REALLY long time since I commented here. But. Usually, I'm really chatty. And if you ever need to talk to someone in the middle of the night when your "real" friends are asleep ... I've got lots of kids so I'm used to being woken up. You can get my number from Lucy if you want it.
I'm really sorry.
Allison
Take care of the kids, they tend to get tangled up in the mess whether you want it or not.
Best of luck to the Esmay family.
ughh what a punch in the guts.
Ditto. I hope that everything works out for you two
I'm so sorry for you and Rosemary. My prayers are with you both.
You both have kids who have to be raised. So whatever else happens, the situation won't allow you to be total strangers to each other.
Aside from that, I don't regard separation or divorce as an ultimate tragedy. Stefi is my seoond wife; I'm her first husband. Which means I work extra hard not to estrange her.
Aside from that, partnerships come and go. Both people in a marital or household partnership have to work to keep such relationships afloat, not leastways because of the pressure-cooker atmosphere of modern life.
Anyway, the both of you have created a new reality uniquely your own, and I am sure each of you will deal with it in accordance with the realities of your own particular lives.
But whatever you do, remember that those kids come ahead of all else until they're old enough to face life on their own.
I'm not sure what I have written here will ease the pain and discomfort you both must be feeling, along with most of your long-time commenters. But I hope it works out for both of you and especially for your children.
Arnold Harris
Mount Horeb WI
This is a good one.
I know, its just music.
Just the same.
I can't say much more than that. Except... hang in there.
Yours, with love,
Wince
Of course we all lose our tempers now and then. Dean freely admits to being imperfect in this regard, which is why regulars to this establishment will generally be cut more slack than people who we don't know very well.
Still: behave like an adult, or go find somewhere else to play. Thanks.